et cetera
by woodbox
Summary: and things go on, but there will always be you. Axel/Roxas
1. Chapter 1

_**et cetera**_

1.  
It's nice here. The move wasn't too bad—just four days, no big issues. I turned my phone off. I don't want to talk to you. I hope you'll forgive me, someday. Maybe you won't. That's fine, too. You'll have a lot to hate me for.

The new apartment is okay. I'm probably going to paint it before I unpack, but I haven't decided which colors. Probably whatever's cheapest. You know how it is. It's not like I have money or anything. The neighbors don't seem like dicks or anything and not even my mom knows where I am, so it's not like you're going to find out. I'm invisible to the world. You can't find me

I miss you.

Yours forever,  
Roxas

2.  
I take back what I said about my neighbors not being dicks. They're loud, obnoxious jackasses who apparently have trouble making rent. I miss the ocean, I miss your window sill and how it was stuck shut. You're never supposed to read these, okay? If you're reading this now I want you to get out that lighter I got you and set fire to all of them, and _don't read them_.

3.  
So maybe they aren't jackasses. I was being harsh—you used to tell me that, "_Roxas, you're so harsh!_" with that singsong you use. I couldn't ever tell if you were kidding but I don't think you really were.

I fell down the stairs with my groceries, got hit in face with a cantaloupe and a box of Lucky Charms. The not-jackasses from upstairs heard and gave me a popsicle to ice my face with from their freezer. Three college kids, not bad people.

Who am I kidding. You don't care.

I miss you still.

4.  
You keep _calling_. I'm not going to get back in touch with you. I'm not coming back, I know what you're really saying when you whisper _got it memorized_, like it's some secret code. You're so stupid _I hate you_ please stop doing this to me. Make up your mind.

5.  
It's like she KNOWS. I bet she does know. I can't think of any reason you'd choose her over me like that, why you'd just suddenly not let me in the middle of the night. You're a fucking hypocrite, you know? I love you, though. Probably forever. You SUCK. You're selfish and I don't want to be a hypocrite too and be selfish and tell you to leave her.

It's not my place.

I bet she doesn't even know your middle name. _Waldo_. Fuck you.

Yours psychotically in the dead of night,  
Roxas

6.  
You stopped calling.

Whatever. I spent the day next door with Olette. She's really nice, but just as weird. They're all trekkies or something, and Olette makes clothes and sells them online. Eatsy or something. Whatever. She didn't talk that much about it. Their apartment looks nicer than mine, despite Hayner's "anger problem." Apparently he smashes things a lot. Olette probably cleans obsessively or something.

I can't believe you stopped calling.

I almost called you back.

7.  
There was a storm last night. Power went out, had to light candles and do you know what I read? I read the fucking obits.

Remember when we got caught in the rain from hurricane Bowie? "Rain." That was like a fucking monsoon or something. You kissed me, remember? I bet you do.

I checked. It's raining over there.

I bet you think about me when you fuck her.

8.  
Pence—he lives next door—invited me on a paranormal photography expedition the other day. We went into the woods off the city common, out past the walls and stuff. He started running suddenly, so I followed and we ended up at this like, mansion thing. Asked him why he was running, and he's like "I was following the ghostly lights, Roxas!" How fucking weird is that?

You don't care. I found her "blog." That pile of bullshit she puts online to make people think she really is always sweet. You took her to our beach, Axel.

I don't understand what you're doing. Did I make you angry?

You must hate me.

9.  
There are some secrets you can't tell her.

If you do I will never forgive you.

10.  
You're retarded. You were supposed to come LOOKING FOR ME.

But that's stupid of me. I left you. You never could read my mind.

I wonder if you've given up on me.

I still miss you, I still love you, and I hope you don't hate me, even though I'd deserve it.

11.  
I finally got around to unpacking my junk drawer. I found the little gold mickey necklace you bought me in Disney. The one I wouldn't wear because it's so fucking girly. With my _birthstone_.

Sometimes I pretend you're here, and that nothing happened.

But nothing _did_ happen. You just stopped letting me in.

Why are you doing this?

12.  
Hayner got me a job at the printing shop two blocks away. Copy King. My uniform is _purple_. I'm glad you're not here—you'd never let it go. I know.

Hayner is really loud, and he's loyal and nice and he has stupid hair. He plays fighting games and dates Olette sometimes when she doesn't want him to jump out the window, and sometimes him and Pence invite me over to play guitar hero.

It's only been a month since I left. You forget things so easily.

Like today. You should've called. You should know that no matter what, you have to call on this day.

I'm a bad person. I miss you more than I miss him.

13.  
I bet you're sick of her. You hate fake people. You make friend with them so you can take them down. I bet you realize how stupid you are.

You still don't know where I am.

14.  
October means Halloween, right? I forgot about that. Holidays. Fun. WHO NEEDS FUN. Hayner and Pence and Olette lent me a _trekkie _costume and we went to a café downtown for the night. Olette got drunk, so Hayner took her home. Pence stayed out with me and told me stories about how Hayner was his cousin and they hadn't gotten along at all until Olette moved to town. It was nice. They're nice people.

I checked Naminé's blog when I got home. Really, Axel? You guys looked like Britney Spears and Bozo the Clown. I told you, you look bad in makeup.

15.  
My boss is a fucker. I hate blondes. He blamed me for fucking up some guy's business proposal. I didn't do anything wrong.

I bet you're charming her whole family. Her little old grandmother and her baby sister and her nice, nice parents.

You still haven't called, and I still love you, and now I'm crying like some sort of girl. How did this happen? It's all my fault.

I can't go back now. You look happy with her. You probably love her.

This might be the last letter.

16.  
I guess I was wrong about it being the last letter. It's like that sweater we accidentally destroyed when I was in fourth grade. You'd seen your mom just _tug_ on the loose strings of her sweaters, so we pulled. It unraveled. I'm unraveling, Ax. It might be your fault this time, too.

17.  
Olette came to visit me in the hospital, with a copy Hayner had made of his face and a photo of the three of them and me in the building elevator. I don't even remember having it taken. She brought me a stuffed heart with arms. It's carmine red, and I still remember how your arms feel, even though I've been here for two and three quarters of a month and you stopped looking me in the eye in August.

18.  
You still haven't called me. It's my birthday tomorrow. You know that. I didn't tell anyone. I'm going to work. Maybe I'll call you and just breathe through the phone like some sort of stalker. Because that's what I am! I'm just your friendly neighborhood stalker who reads your _fiancée's blog_. How _could you_. I hate you. You can never, ever know. You are SUCH A BASTARD.

19.  
Why do I keep writing these. It's not like you're ever going to read any of them. You still aren't allowed to. I'm going to implode. All the pieces of me that you were a part of—all of me, really—it's just going away. Black holes. Like that stupid porn you made me read…well, it's not really. Never mind. What the fuck, Axel. I love you. Don't I? Is this what love is? Is this obsession?

It used to be love. I don't know how to fix any of this. It's impossible.

20.  
I think they realize something's wrong with me. Hayner and Pence and Olette. They keep bringing me dinner and inviting me out and Hayner keeps taking my shifts and Pence wants me to model for him. I don't want anyone to have pictures of me. It's okay if I'm forgotten.

21.  
It's like all you had to do was show it a little. Why are you so selfish? Please just make up your mind. If you're going to stop calling me, just stop. Never call again. Don't _do it_. I don't want to talk to you any more.

But I do. I want you to know that I still love you and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. If I hurt you I am sorry. But you hurt me first and now I'm just hurting myself.

22.  
Hayner broke the television over there yesterday. It made me think of when you purposely crashed Kai's Barbie jeep into that tree. Five times. You were jealous that your parents gave her good, cool presents. I think I hear Olette crying through the wall.

I'm going back to bed.

23.  
I'm going to forget you.

I'm going to get my ear pierced and go to bars and fuck strangers and get abducted and killed and I'll be too busy being dead to think about you.

Axel, it hurts.

24.  
I'm an overdramatic asshole. I can't do anything right. Leaving was selfish, I'm sorry. I talked to you on the phone today, but I didn't tell you where I am, and when you hung up, I heard you.

"_I lo—_" counts, Ax. Why are you doing this? Because you want to make your parents proud? Because you don't have the balls to be happy? That's _bullshit_. I know you have the balls. There's something. Why couldn't you just tell me?

I should move back. I can't keep doing this to either of us.

I miss you.

25.  
I'm going back. No more letters. Maybe I'll throw all these out. All labeled in envelopes and roman numerals and addressed to you. I wonder if I died, would they send them?

I'll see you soon. Maybe I can fix this. I'm going to try. I have to, I want to, I miss you so fucking much.

I hope you touch me when I see you again.


	2. Chapter 2

_**et cetera **_

26.  
You will have forgotten, so here. Have an account of today:

I arrived late, around seven, and you picked me up from the airport. Naminé was there with you, and she smiled. _It's great to see you, Roxas_. It's like when the crash happened, she inherited her sister's natural inclination to fuck with the order of things. You guys drove me home, and you told Naminé to go on ahead home. "Home," Ax. Home. It was a slow sting before that, but that just HURT.

So I watched you from the window while she kissed you and then I.

I saw. I know what's going on, I guess. I wonder what she has against you. Like. Evidence. What could she possibly know that she could use against you?

You came back in, got a bottle of water, took me back to my room—my mom still keeps it. Like it's some sort of tribute to He Who Once Dwelled Here. Just like Dem's room is still the same.

You kissed me, and you cried, and you promised you'd make it better.

You. Promised.

And I promised to wait.

27.  
I feel like this is all very familiar. Like we've done this before. Fucked up bad and missed each other and goddamn, Axel. She's your fiancée.

I've been back here for two weeks. Mother is starting to get on my nerves, "I thought I'd lost another son," blah blah blah. I should probably feel bad. I don't.

I'm going to kill Naminé.

No, I'm not. I'm sorry. How are you going to fix this, Axel?

I wish I hadn't promised to wait. I just want to go. I'm not wanted here. I should just go. I can't watch you and her, how she grins and _doesn't mean it_ and you just look trapped.

Trickster got tricked.

No one would miss me.

28.  
I still don't understand. Four dinners and a few "social nights." I mean, what the fuck could she know that would get you to do all of this?

I thought I wasn't going to have to write any more letters. Stupid. As if you would just drop everything for me. I can't figure which hurts worse. Seeing you together or not seeing you at all.

I'm all yours, Axel. I am _all yours_.

29.  
The dog got into Dem's room while mom was vacuuming, I guess. When I got home from bringing you those _leeks you asked me to pick up_—and before I go on, what the _fuck_, Axel. It wouldn't be that bad if you weren't so fucking transparent. Way to go. Oh, yeah, your girlfriend is still at work and you're making dinner like the _whipped fool_ she's got you pretending to be. And you ask me. To bring you vegetables. When you know I'm busy helping out around here.

You _knew_ I'd gotten a job at Greenview. Who cares, though. I'm obviously not important. Did she put one of those electric dog-collars around your dick or something?

Whatever.

Jack got into Dem's room. Found one of his old Power Ranger things in the closet. The green one, with the head that flipped back and forth like TRANSFORM! Or whatever. Brought it out into the living room, and mom found it and when I got home from your apartment she was just sobbing. It's about three in the morning and I'm writing this and she's still not completely asleep, even though she's so tired and so sad.

Axel, you're being selfish. I still miss you, and you're right there.

30.  
Naminé called today, crying. Her and mom argued over the phone.

The crash has something to do with all of this. It has to. There's no way it doesn't. It's not my fault she lived. It's not my fault she was dating my older brother, or that her sister _let her_ or that she got into the car while Demyx was drunk and Larx was drunk and _she_ was drunk but her dad is the fucking _chief of police_ so of course the report was fudged.

Her dreams are gone, so what. I wish she'd died then.

31.  
You still love me! You _do_, I know you do.

Your balls are growing back or something. That was brilliant. Do you think she realized? Of course she did, who am I kidding. She just has to keep thinking you're this spineless retard and then maybe we can fix this shit.

Because I'm not allowed in the Corber's and she needed milk for that recipe and you had to keep cooking vegetables.

For the record: If she tells, we can leave. We can go somewhere far away and she won't have anything on either of us and good god, there is hope, isn't there?

I'm glad I didn't die in the fall.

32.  
The male seahorse carries the eggs, right? Isn't her vag fucked up from the crash?

She's doing this to get back at my mother. At me.

This isn't my fault. I hate her. I'm going to _kill that bitch_. Tell her I gave you HIV or something. Don't sleep with her anymore. And next time you want to fuck me I'm going to scrub your dick with ammonia or some shit.

33.  
You are very, very angry with me.

I moved away again. She was starting to plan your wedding. And you stopped kissing me.

I don't really understand. I thought we had it figured out. I thought we were going to escape her. We were. What happened?

The apartment I had before is being rented by some gay couple so I've moved in with Pence and Olette and Hayner. I'm rooming with Pence, and he's alright. Pretty quiet. Laughs to himself a lot.

They aren't bad people, but I hate them.

They hate me, anyway. I moved away weeks ago, you know? And then I cut my arm open over the kitchen sink, while they were all playing some video game. Olette came in to get water and now none of them will talk to me but I'm pretty sure they want me to leave.

34.  
You called and I didn't answer but you didn't hang up. "_I'm sorry, Rox, I can't—_" can't _what_, jackass? You always conveniently forget your promises. You said you'd make it better. It's not better.

She's threatening to tell her father about how you had sex with her sister in your first year of university, when she was 15 and you were both drunk and I stopped talking to you for a month. Small town, no one will do anything. It's been years. YEARS, I don't understand. And you told me—you told me it was like she was cutting you in half. She tells, you lose your job, especially if she tells him about me. Sex predator and bisexual, and your sister won't be able to get hired, and your mom might lose all her money.

But if you marry her, if you

She'll keep it a secret.

I hate life. This is unfair. I don't want you to lose everything. Of course I don't.

35.  
Moved out, got my own place. I stopped checking Naminé blog and I'm not going to talk to you anymore.

You have to do this, I can't be selfish anymore. You still aren't allowed to read these.

I love you.

36.  
Did I tell you I'd moved out? I did. Got a job at a home here, a servant to the senile. Not all of them are insane. There's this one woman named Dorothy who sounds like Clint Eastwood and smokes more than you ever did. She keeps telling me not to look like someone killed my dog.

Olette stopped talking to me. And Hayner and Pence. Whatever. I have Dorothy.

I'm fine. Stop calling.

37.  
It finally happened! I _cried in public_. Dorothy was telling me about this time with a bus full of people on LSD, and I remembered your _stupid face_ and when I was sixteen and you buttoned my shirt for me before Dem's funeral, and you held me and didn't really let go until everyone had left afterwards, and that was to take the shirt back off.

They made me leave—go home and take two days off, they said. Clear your head, take care of yourself, okay? There's this girl there I might date. I think she's insane.

I'm sort of falling apart without you, Ax. This is the only way. I

I'm sorry. Maybe Naminé will get hit by a meteor or something.

38.  
Kacey has been over a lot recently. She laughs a lot and doesn't wear makeup and she's not blonde and she's a real, real person. I'm being very mean, but she's like a breath of fresh air. I'm going to use her to forget you. I have to stop writing these letters.

You stopped calling. I hope you're okay.

39.  
Kacey told me we were going exploring. I got in the car. She drove me to the hospital. _The hospital_. Told them I wasn't eating. They

I'm glad I'm far away from you. You can't ever know.

40.  
I was at the grocery store with Kacey and this other friend of ours, Gloria, and I went to go ask her about pasta and _there you were_. Just chilling there in the drinks aisle, looking gorgeous and badly-lit and I _still love you_. It has been _months_ since I've written to you, Axel. I don't think you saw me.

I thought you'd made up your mind.

41.  
They think I'm being retarded, but

Did you _move here?_ I always told you this is where I'd go, but why would you come here? To find me? I never changed my number. My voicemail message is the same as it ever was. Hi, you've reached Roxas. I'm away from my phone or it's died, but if you leave a message I'll get back in touch as soon as possible.

Kacey says I'm being a total girl. That she's glad she never kissed me, because I'm obviously hopeless and if I don't man up soon she's going to spill chili on me at work and make it look like it's my fault.

Whatever you're doing, just make a choice and keep to it. As if you can hear me. Read. Whatever.

Be well,  
Roxas

42.  
Dorothy died.

She left a pack of cigs and her walking stick to me, and a note with some Beatles lyrics on it. I don't think I'm even sad.

43.  
You saw me. I know you did. I'm on the train and I was getting into the car and you were looking like you'd seen the fucking Way of God, staring after me. Do you still love me?

I'm good at pretending like I don't still love you. But I don't know how to not love you. I am such. A fucking. Girl.

44.  
You told her to go fuck herself. Three months after I left, you pushed her off you and went to her dad and told him everything. And now she's working retail downtown over there and you're living in _my_ city, hoping you'll run into me because you don't know where else to go. Uneven cobblestones make your knees hurt, you tell me, laughing with your mouth.

It's been a year since you left her. I didn't know. I—I want to scream. _Stupid_, I'm so _STUPID_. Misfortune, mistakes, blah blah blah, whatever. You won't touch me. Didn't even shake my hand or. Or I don't know.

Are you afraid of something still?

I'm just tired, Axel.

45.  
Here is what I want to happen: I want you to look me up in a phonebook and come to my apartment, and I will forgive everything and so will you and we can sleep next to each other like we used to, before. And maybe you'll kiss me but you'll make breakfast in the morning and I'll give you back massages and it could be okay again.

I am clearly a girl. I hate my life. No I don't. Am I only clinging to what we had because I'm too afraid to move on?

I don't think that's it. I have dreams that you're holding my hand. I really, really don't think that's it.

46.  
Fuck. I mean, fuck!

You're sleeping here. On my bed and I'm awake to write this so I know I didn't dream it. You left your car on this side of town to see a show and it got towed and now you're staying here for the night and

Fuck. I'm so stupidly happy to be near you.

Love you forever,  
Roxas

47.  
_Naminé_ that bitch got a book of her drawings published. You came over to watch that movie and told me you almost bought one but thought it'd be a waste of money. Brought some cheap wine from the international market instead, and I didn't have to work the next day so we talked until it was almost sunrise and I'm so sorry I left, but that doesn't matter because you're back.

48.  
It's been a while. You moved closer, stay over more often. You still won't kiss me, you fucking retard. Naminé tried to call a week or so back and tell you she missed you, but

You hung up, and then it was like Axel was back.

You're back.

49.  
note: we just got a call from the super. "Next time I get complaints about someone screaming 'Oh, fuck!' from the entire east block, I'm upping your rent." I love you.

50.  
You moved in, and I called Olette and she said I sound happy and she's glad to hear from me, maybe she'll call me again. She's still mad at me, but I understand.

You _are_ back. Sometimes you still look like you're sorry when you touch my face, but you shouldn't be. Everything is fine now.


End file.
